Guilty.

You see it on the news and read it in the paper.  Assault, addiction, abuse, rape, trauma, murder, stabbing and the list goes on.  You are generally not affected unless it hits close, your neighborhood, your friends or your family.  You may sigh and think "Gosh I can't imagine" or "That is horrible" and go about your day unchanged, never giving it another fleeting thought during your busy day.

My life changed when it walked through the doors of the ER.

I saw it, I felt it, I touched it, I heard it, I relived it, it became REAL to me.

It shook my world.

From the first glance I am struck with nausea.  A nausea like I have never felt before.  The kind I keep trying to swallow down to avoid the inevitable.  The kind that doubles me over but won't come out.

The tears well up in my eyes, my vision goes blurry.  I keep blinking so I can see.  I don't want to see, but I have to, I have no choice it's in front of me.

I look around and see the horror on the other's faces, we try to hide it but it's there.

The stoic lifelessness in her face is bone chilling.

"Separate yourself, this is not your child."

But it's impossible, I can't.

I lock glances with her.

I can sense her terror and her fear.

Her eyes are empty.

An emptiness so real and so raw.

Ripped from her little grasp she was brutally robbed of innocence.

Lying there in a heap, clutching her doll and a blanket to cover her wounds.

So frail.

So broken.  

So tired.

"WHY GOD"?

I cry out and wrestle with the feelings of REVENGE.

I want JUSTICE. 

But it's not mine to take it's HIS.

I feel it, I feel the EVIL of the world.

My hands have been dirtied by the blood of an innocent victim.

AND I AM GUILTY.

So GUILTY.


GUILTY of wanting to pretend it doesn't happen in my neighborhood, my town.

We lock our doors and we lock our hearts.

We are comfortable.

We are safe.

We are ignorant.


We need to get out from behind our t.v. screens, our internet and our ipads.

We need to stop hiding behind the walls of the church.

We need to get away from our selfish addictions and step out the front door.

We need to get our hands dirty with the hurt of the world to warrant a desire for change.

Because I am here to attest that it is REAL.

It does happen in your town and in your community.

It happens everywhere and we need to WAKE UP.

Be the LIGHT that this world so desperately needs.

Be the GOSPEL to the many who won't read it.

Be the PERSON whom God made you to be right where he put you.

And due it all unto HIM because HE is the ONLY HOPE I can see.

Burdens and Blessings.

Yesterday was rough, the weather was dreary and so was my mood.  My little man turned one this past week which although a very joyful occasion left me kind of feeling sad for some reason.  I went about the day feeling ungrateful for the many blessings I had and desiring more of the things that don't matter.  I decided that maybe I needed to get out of the house and run some errands.

After a few hours the kids were tired, hungry and definitely NOT in the mood for shoppy shop (as my daughter calls it).

After a short time in Walmart my daughter had seen enough but I still had a few things to get.  I gritted my teeth and sighed, exasperated at every whiney request she made.  Finally, after talking me into getting out of the cart and walking on her own she began to melt down completely.  While bending down to pick her up off the ground during her mini tantrum my eyes caught site of something.

His gait was slow and unsteady as he walked towards us.  His little legs had braces on them and you could tell they were severely malformed.  It took all his effort to swing his feet one in front of the other to take a step, but he was determined. His mother and siblings were far ahead of him and paid no attention to the distance between them.

Eventually our eyes meet and he flashed me the most gorgeous ear to ear grin.  I was taken back by the beauty in this little boy's smile. Despite the physical obstacles and probable pain he was facing to do something most of us take for granted he demonstrated joy.  It was breath taking.  That little boy did more than just smile at me he blessed me despite his life circumstances.

He has been asked to carry a heavy burden.  To look physically different than his peers, to not be able to run and play like them.  To be subject to the name calling and cruelty of the looks he gets from others.

How dare I be so ungrateful for the burdens I have been called to bear.

Those burdens bring me closer to the feet of Jesus.

Those burdens can turn into blessings.

I left the store saying a little prayer that I might run across this little boy again, I have a feeling that someday I will.

Enough.

When I don't feel good enough.

When I don't feel accomplished enough.

When I don't feel smart enough.

When I don't feel pretty enough.

When I don't feel skinny enough.

When I don't feel rich enough.

When I don't feel worth enough.

I must remind myself that


HIS GRACE IS ENOUGH.

I have been set FREE of the "not ENOUGH"

And that is SUFFICIENT for me.

"You my brothers were called to be free." Galations 5:13